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Looking back on your parenting, with the ones who matter

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From the archives: the year is 2017, a lifetime ago. I’m interviewing my daughter, early 20’s. Number 2 daughter, 17 nearly 18, is nearby but applying for a university loan, interjecting occasionally to ask technical questions or roll her eyes; I can hear the distant sounds of a teen son playing a video game in another room. My daughter is 22; a year into her first nursing job beyond tertiary education and about to move into her first home. It’s a milestone on several fronts, and I find myself looking back on my parenting, contemplating the things I did right, and the things I did wrong.    I’ve worked for a parenting organisation; I’ve led workshops for parents on communication and relationship skills. I’ve been in the position where other women looked to me for wisdom and advice.   I’ve also been careful not to present myself as one with all the answers but a fellow (and sometimes desperate) learner.  I wonder if my assessment of my mothering matches hers.    Do I elevate the succ

No, dude. Consequences for sexual predators wont harm scientific progress.

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Fed up with the status quo, Lorraine gives a ranty response to "Will the Moralization of Science Give Us Better Science?" by Yves Gingras, University of Quebec, Montreal. She really should have been doing something else. Professor Yves Gingras argues against the so-called "moralization of science," suggesting it will negatively impact scientific discovery. I believe he misframes the issue, as one might expect from someone defending the status quo. Scientific discovery occurs irrespective of cultural values, but it is human nature to do better when we know better. Healthier workplace environments in universities will undoubtedly foster better scientists and better science. Reframing the Argument: The question shouldn't be whether science will be hampered by moralization but rather: If you want to participate in the privileged world of scientific discovery, then be a better person. Your career will be affected by your personal choices and actions, even if yo

To teach better science, you need to like science

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Written in 2015, the 19-year-old mentioned in this rant about science in education in Aotearoa, is about to turn 29, is well into her nursing career, and has her own 'experimental' family. I’m sure she has her own thoughts about what she wants her children to learn as they grow. Photo above 12 year old (now 21) working on his science fair project I have a great laboratory in my own home with four experimental subjects: two girls and two boys aged 12 to 19.   Over the years I have collected a growing body of qualitative data in the realm of science curriculum and science teaching.   While I do think that Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics (STEM) are undervalued in the New Zealand school system, I think this is recognized and actively challenged and I applaud any programmes that work to address this.   A few events in my own interaction with the education system as a parent stand out in my mind. A few years ago, it dawned on me that the kids had never had a ‘sci

Aroha mai, aroha atu

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Now that I am a grandmother, I think quite deliberately about the influence I want to be as a grandmother for my own. Grandparents can be such a force for good (and not so good too) in the lives of their grandchildren. Grandmothers can be the glue that holds a family together, maintains family traditions, reminds wayward whānau who they are and where they belong, and a source of unconditional love. One evolutionary theory I enjoyed showed that that societies with present grandmothers survived and fared a whole lot better than those that didn’t – I suspect its due to the longevity, the retention of wisdom, and the extra pair of hands to keep young ones well, that can prepare a meal or medical potion with limited resources. My own ever-present grandmother, Kathleen Dorothy Bowater (nee Cleaver) died a few years ago, aged 96. She was and continues to be a truly influential person in my life.  Nan passed on to me her love of playing and composing music, of reading, of good British drama, o

Unexpectedly, a village

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Unexpectedly, my daughter (25) and her partner found themselves living with us in the last few weeks of her first pregnancy. They weren’t exactly excited about it. In their ideal imaginings, expecting their much wanted first baby, what they did not expect was to be back in her childhood bedroom, sharing a kitchen, bathroom and living area with her parents and siblings. Becoming an adult in our culture generally involves living independently in your own home, not with the 'olds'. Yet, here they were; pregnant, expectant and unable to nest or set up the baby’s room, or any of the other things she imagined she’d be doing at this time, all she could do, in fact, was rest. While honouring their disappointment, I harboured the suspicion that it was possibly the best thing any new parent could ask for, even though they didn’t realise it, yet. How could they? None of us really knows what to expect before that squishy ball of raw human need enters the world from the soft confines of h

A little death

It's like a death not a loss of matter but yet a loss each time they go. although still here taking space and energy. An act against the living incomprehensible by the dead

Unshockable

The conversation in my house is pretty open with few taboo subjects.   I realised this again recently when my eldest daughter’s boyfriend was with us for dinner. He seemed to cope well, and I guess it was an early initiation to his girlfriend’s family.   Over the chicken fettucine, the topics ranged from body parts and their many functions, to drugs, to relationships and the sometimes-humorous misdemeanours of extended family members. Everything was up for analysis and opinion from the youngest (14 years) to the oldest (21 years, 43 if you include the adults). My mum was great at being open to any topic, but even so - I do remember hiding some things I was going through during my teenage years, to protect her; to avoid her worrying, or being shocked.   In hindsight, I imagine I could have benefited from her perspective.   So, my plan as a parent, has been to be unshockable – so I can do my best to be open to the stuff they want to tell me.   I don’t want my kids to filter