The conversation in my house is open
with few taboo subjects. I realised
this again recently when my eldest daughter’s boyfriend was with us for dinner.
He seemed to cope well, and I guess it was an early initiation to his
girlfriend’s family. Over the chicken
fettucine, the topics ranged from body parts and their many functions, to drugs,
to relationships and the sometimes-humorous misdemeanours of extended family
members. Everything was up for analysis and opinion from the youngest (14
years) to the oldest (21 years, 43 if you include the adults).
My mum was great at being open to any
topic, but even so - I do remember hiding some things I was going through
during my teenage years, to protect her; to avoid her worrying, or being
shocked. In hindsight, I imagine I could
have benefited from her perspective.
So, my plan as a parent, has been to be unshockable – so I can do my
best to be open to the stuff they want to tell me. I don’t want my kids to filter their
conversation on my account, and I can only think of one occasion when I have
been rendered speechless by a topic that they were Far.Too.Young to be thinking
about! It’s this far too young assumption
that often allows us to avoid discussing important issues and we need to remind
ourselves that our kids are always going to be dealing with things before we
feel they are ready. During my sons 14th
year a friend of his took his own life, and I definitely felt that was far too
young at thirteen to be walking through such tragedy. If your kids go to any regular NZ school, its
guaranteed that they are seeing and hearing things that you’d prefer they
didn’t. To be fair, most families bring their own events and drama that we’d
rather not deal with.
Crazy inappropriate conversation at our dinner
table, or on a walk, or family holiday, is an opportunity for our kids to share
their crazy worlds with us, including the dark parts. There is a time for manners. It is our job to socialise our children with
manners and courtesies, to help them navigate the big wide world. I want my kids to know that they should avoid
swearing in front of nanna. But if my
child feels they need to put on certain behaviours (like manners or the appearance
of being happy when they are not) in their own home as well, I may lose out on
deeper opportunities for knowing what’s going on in their world.
Humans are great liars– we mask our
feelings all the time. Think of the
people you avoid being yourself with, or refuse to share your feelings
with. How many of us are like this with
our own parents? So, it’s worth
examining why, so we don’t make the same errors with our own kids. But it is important that your child can be
authentically vulnerable at home. It’s
important that space is made for anxieties, fears, and tough
conversations.
Some kids try to protect their parents, as
I remember doing, but I am sure that none of us want to be ‘protected’ from
suicidal thoughts, bullying, bad behaviour, and sexual abuse. Creating a space that copes with talking
about farts, body parts and drugs may be the first step. Today it might be farts in the bath. One day you’ll need to be talking about some
pretty serious stuff, and you definitely want those channels open, and be
unshockable.
First published in Aroha, the Journal of La Leche League New Zealand, December 2017
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