Looking back on your parenting, with the ones who matter

From the archives: the year is 2017, a lifetime ago. I’m interviewing my daughter, early 20’s. Number 2 daughter, 17 nearly 18, is nearby but applying for a university loan, interjecting occasionally to ask technical questions or roll her eyes; I can hear the distant sounds of a teen son playing a video game in another room.

My daughter is 22; a year into her first nursing job beyond tertiary education and about to move into her first home. It’s a milestone on several fronts, and I find myself looking back on my parenting, contemplating the things I did right, and the things I did wrong.  

I’ve worked for a parenting organisation; I’ve led workshops for parents on communication and relationship skills. I’ve been in the position where other women looked to me for wisdom and advice.  I’ve also been careful not to present myself as one with all the answers but a fellow (and sometimes desperate) learner. I wonder if my assessment of my mothering matches hers.  Do I elevate the successes according to my ideals?  Does she remember the dark moments; the things that haunt me, do they stand out for her as they do me? Does she value the things I prioritised? I doubt it, so I thought I’d ask her, while she is still in this phase, not so far into adulthood that all of childhood is forgotten. How would she evaluate my parenting report card, considering she is in fact the most important critic? 

When this 22-year-old was only two, I read a book that was already two decades old. It was an easy read, illustrated with comic strips of healthy conversations, but it was life changing. The detail is sketchy but one lasting question that imprinted itself on my thinking was to ask ourselves, what sort of adult do I want my child to be? This vision of the long game buoyed me through the minutiae of everyday life with small and then medium children – it’s hard to feel the grandeur of raising the next generation of humans when your house looks like Neanderthals live there (no disrespect to our ancestors).  Raising decent and creative human beings often looks like food on the floor, constant housework and snotty noses, and relentless second guessing yourself and without necessary sleep. To be fair, it probably looks the same even when the humans you are raising are not decent and creative, so how do you really know? The meaningful meal time moments of my fairytale family life were few and far between.

But having a strong parenting philosophy helped me elevate my focus away from the small stuff to focus on the big stuff. Did it work?  Well, I asked her. For me, this interview with my daughter is part nostalgia, part performance review. I promised myself I would ask honest questions and seek honest feedback. At times it was scary for me as I braved reminding her of times when I was not at my best, when I scared myself even. I wanted my daughter's honest responses so I can learn and so others can learn.  I knew with some of the questions that ‘things might come up’ that I would prefer not to put out there, and indeed there are things that didn’t come up that I would also not want out in the public arena. In truth, I also knew this daughter would be honest and kind. The next daughter has the potential to be brutal, so I’ll consider what I do ask her. In the next few posts I will share with you what I found out about myself, my parenting, and my daughter, and how we all grew up together.