A friend of ours committed suicide this week. An adult man, mid-forties; two kids and a
wife. The funeral is on Friday. Earlier in the year, a kid in my son’s football team took his life – 13 years old, early secondary
school years, nice young man; kind and conscientious. Many years ago I watched a family deal with
the aftermath of their 20-year-old son, brother, grandson taking his own
life. It was a desperate time. I hope I never have to go through the trauma
of losing someone close in this way, especially not a child.
It’s hard to make sense of suicide. We, the bystanders, need reasons, causes and
answers; someone to blame, something to blame. While I don't think its that simple, suicide definitely
leaves complexities to add to the grief for those left behind - a dark forrest of scary demons to navigate through - most of them internal; all the ‘what if’s’, and guilt, wondering if
I’d been a better parent, better sibling, listened more, loved more, done
more. It’s a cruel all-body, emotional pain, and
it’s impossible to avoid anger with the person who has died, adding yet another
layer of guilt - how can I be angry with someone who was so tormented to think
that suicide was their last option? How could you? How could you do this to me, to your mother, to your
siblings, to those who love you?
I think we need more knowledge about suicide – more understanding of the experience for a person to venture into
suicidal thoughts and how to venture back out again. It seems to me that it’s another
type of health and well-being, just like exercise, nutrition, and communication – maybe we
need more knowledge about death and life and the thoughts about killing oneself. But what does it mean to want to kill
yourself – most of us, most of the time have a irrefutable desire to stay alive,
to survive. What about when the switch
flicks? I guess it gets a little into
the realms of existentialism. What are
we here for? Christians, just to pick on
one of many religious worldviews – label suicide a range of things from demon possession
to the ultimate sin that separates us from heaven; those who take their own
life challenging God for the right to end life.
I have recently been reading more on the subject from psychologists
willing to delve into the topic. Jesse
Bering, an Otago based psychology researcher considers it an adaptive trait –
a side effect, if you like, of a highly developed social world. A first world problem maybe ie when you’re not
worried about keeping yourself alive, ie from subsistence things like war or
famine, then you have other things to worry about like career prospects and
social standing. Social mechanisms such
as shame and loss of status have the same potential to kill us mentally as a
blade has to kill our body – suicide becomes a reasonable option from despair. Elsewhere
Jesse suggests that suicidal thoughts also seem to have a lifespan – if a young
person, or any person can hang on for 12 hours, the acute feelings pass. We can develop strategies to get through it,
if we understand it better – maybe not delving deep for the existential reasons
for the malaise, but acceptance that it happens and ways to get through. Unfortunately, those 12 hours tend to make
people retreat, circle in their own thoughts and choose actions that make the
pain go away – at all costs.
As a community, maybe we need to be sensitive and not sensational,
learn to talk about suicidal thought in a way that accepts the human experience
rather than piling on more guilt – I do hope for a more inclusive society – not
one that raises up ideals but accepts the truth – and that truth is diverse.
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